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Am I mentally unhealthy or am I just sheltered?

Posted on: 2019-09-17 12:15:42]

Ok so, I have been socially inept since the beginning of my childhood. Ask a toddler I was intimidated by the prospect of people, I hated going to preschool and never made many friends. That social discomfort never changed going into primary school, I stayed on my own and never knew how to interact with other children. As I grew older I got more and more disinterested with my school work and by the time I reached highschool I had 2 friends and no motivation to do anything. Sometimes Id be interested in certain classes but the majority of the time I had my head down and mechanically jotted notes Id never read. Progressively, however, even those small bursts of motivation slowly disappeared. My self worth was so pathetic that I only rarely ate lunch to save my parents the money they had to spend on me. I 'slept' in class and told my classmates that I was just lazy or tired but really I had my head down to daydream or just exist. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Occasionally Id feel motivation to buy a game, believing it to be something to make me excited and happy like others on the internet, but that is fleeting. Most days I just lay here on my bed, sometimes gathering enough energy to feed myself. I have noticed that there is a pressure sitting inside my head of internal emotion that bursts forward with little provocation. Its strange because the rest of the time i dont feel a thing, its just nothing. I read how depression is this blackhole of crushing sadness and i just dont feel that. Am i just lazy? I feel like that has to be the case. Im just wasting time and resources on myself when im just a useless waste of space. I wonder if my parents are ashamed of me being 20 years old and still a child without a job or place of my own. I dont even feel social connections with my own family. The feeling of concern and doting occasionally bubble up but its so hard to manifest it. Is something wrong with me? Anyways ive rambled enough, have fun trying to dissect whatever im trying to say (i dont even know myself).
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